IParadox

I, Paradox

As much as I have changed over the years and as much as the world around me has changed there still
remain a few truths about who I am. I am a hopeless romantic who believes that everything will end up okay
with karmic rewards. I also happen to be aggressively cynical, not believing that any of it really matters
anyway. If it does matter then we are all lost because there is nothing to believe in that isn’t corrupt. This
frustrates me. I have an idealistic view of how things should theoretically work yet am powerless to change
the world. A pessimist about the powers of individuals. My pessimism is at odds with my arrogance;
arrogance that I consider to be warranted because I tend to be right just enough of the time. There is a
good example of that arrogance. True arrogance is when you believe that you should never fail if you try
and if you fail then there was something within yourself that must addressed. I have that. Any failure runs
through my mind until I figure out the problem. Yet there are obviously times when I do not have the control.
In fact, I could say that anything really important is out of my hands. When it gets right down to it everything
important comes down to your inner emotions and desires. These are things you cannot control. You can
try to ignore them but you cannot control them.
Perhaps now you can see what I’m getting at. I am a paradox. There is nothing but gray areas within my
mind. Nothing as simple as black and white exists, no easy answers. Everything can be justified and
everything can be condemned if you give me enough time to understand. It is almost as if my thought it is
bipolar. Half of the thoughts that exit my mouth are followed by the thought: “What did I just say?”.
Sometimes it is exciting. Sometimes it is paralyzing. The mind never stops spinning. It is a gift and a
burden. Every night I could sit down and have a prolific writing session about what I thought about that day.
Sometimes I do write it down and sometimes I read it afterward. Sometimes I make sense and sometimes
I come away with interesting insights. The very next day my mind might argue its way into a totally opposite
viewpoint. I’ll agree with that viewpoint too. Because really that is what I do. I find a way to see it from all
angles and what I see makes me cynically full of hope.