A Freewrite

A Free Write

I’ve had many teachers in my past who were great advocates of the so called free write. Without fail there was
always at least one kid who would complain that they couldn’t think of anything to write. This happened all the way
through elementary school when we could barely write anyway, through middle school when nobody had anything to
say anyway and high school when if it wasn’t for a grade we weren’t doing it. Every time each teacher responded the
same way. Write about not being able to write. Now for as long as I can remember I’ve always had something to
write or say. I’ve always been angry about something or had some ridiculous story to tell. I never really understood
what all these kids mean when they said they had nothing to write. Did this mean they actually had nothing to say?
Was it just laziness, the lack of desire to actually write anything? Maybe I never gave them enough credit. Even when
inspired it isn’t always easy to lay out your thoughts, especially the good ones. The best thoughts are the hardest to
put down. Not because they are so complex or awe inspiring that words can’t do them justice. Simply because once
they are down they are concrete, they can be seen and they can not look nearly as good as they did when they were
some abstraction floating in your mind. Sometimes I think I’ve found something profound, not a greater truth or
anything like that, but something that truly drives my thoughts forward. If I am able to really grasp it I generally try to
write it down. Its amazing the writer’s block you can get when trying to explain something you believe in. When I’m
just rambling my ideas come out easily. When I try to outline them, organize them, make them presentable to anyone
who doesn’t feel like wading through the ADD of my mind I get stuck. I can’t remember what my own thoughts were. I
can’t get the right words. I can’t think of anything to write. That itching feeling in the back of my mind is still there.
That feeling that I have something to say, that I’m feeling inspired, that I’m ready to sit down and make something
happen. It is there. Yet I’m stuck. What am I trying to say? Why am I trying to say it? I have no idea. I want to
create. What do I want to create? Something great, something changing. I want to have an influence on the world. I
want to be special and this is the path I am currently choosing to get there. Now that I’ve decided to try it is so much
harder. It is so much harder to harness my wandering mind and force it to focus enough to find moments of clarity.
When having a normal discussion with someone it comes easily and naturally. Occasionally I enter the zone where
things just flow. To date I have yet to figure out how to consciously find the balance of inspiration and order that would
allow me to truly become as prolific as I’d like to be. So I try to free write and see what comes of it. Yet here I am
talking about struggling to write. Struggling to have something to say, something I want to say, the way I want to say
it. All I really want is to find a way to say something new. Something that doesn’t follow the formulaic footsteps I have
been taught to follow throughout my career as a professional student. I want to find the independence that will set me
apart, make me free. Unfortunately, I’ve never had to do anything without structure. I am learning I hope. It is a
process I hope. I hope I have not already missed my opportunity. My fears hold me back. Fear of failing when I care,
of not liking what I find if I do let myself go, of being to afraid to do this without regret. Is this what passion is? Is this
what I’ve been in search of? Time will tell or maybe it won’t. Once I learn to write I’ll have my answer. If this is love I’ll
find out and if it isn’t then it will fade away as all infatuations do.